I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
