i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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