Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
