I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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