You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
