Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize