Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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