Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
