girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize