They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
