I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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