I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
