guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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