just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
