He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i've created a new STD.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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