If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
