i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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