Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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