I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
