so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
