Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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