dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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