My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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