Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
