Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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