when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
