Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
