I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
