I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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