and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
