did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
