my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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