you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
