My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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