I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
