No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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