I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
