i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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