If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
