So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
