I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Floor bacon is actually really good
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
