I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
