The maid of honor just puked.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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