I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
