and she was petting her beer can
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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