I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
