Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
