So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
