just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
