I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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