I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
