She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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