I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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