I look better un-naked...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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