3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
