It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
