he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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