DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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