Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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